estrella

2012-02-09T23:35:00.003+08:00

Cos I don't have the courage to make you talk.

Note to self: Seriously need to start studying already.

2012-02-09T10:57:00.002+08:00

There are so many explanations to things.

I am so tired every single day. I can't fall asleep at night and I can't sleep in in the morning. Not that I don't want to, I just can't. Stopped questioning myself WHY WHY WHY.

I got better on days when I don't see you. I got used to not talking to you that often. I got used to not being important. I got used to spending time alone with myself. I got very used to all of it. So if one day you met someone new, I will cry and be upset but I guess I will get used to it too.

Long break coming in less than a month's time. So looking forward to it.

2012-01-28T22:17:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's because you let that person stay too long in your heart, that's why you feel the pain.

2012-01-26T12:44:00.002+08:00

Not in the best of mood today.

Somehow I find it hard to communicate with people nowadays. I wonder why. It's just so tiring to figure out what everybody wants. I need to be so cautious when I speak. So I tell myself, "Just do whatever you want, just do whatever makes you happy."

And I know my temper is getting out of hand. I have had problem controlling it myself. And so I keep to myself more.

And so I quit trying to figure you out.

2012-01-04T23:26:00.002+08:00

The terrible moment when anger turns to tears.

Fuck you. Fuck the world. Fuck whoever. Bad things always comes together. I hate it when I cannot come up with better ways to make myself feel better I started crying and crying. Just like now. I feel like screaming fuck you all. Fuck you. And to think you have a shitty day outside, you want to go home to find some peace and you get even more shit at home. At times like these, i start to think who do i have in this world that i can depend on?

I know people care in different ways. I know, i know, i know. I just want to kick out a fuss, cry and make some noise and be childish and when I cry and cry and absolutely hate myself, someone will come and give me a hug and tell me that they love me and everything will be okay. Nobody really absolutely gives a shit about me.

2012-01-03T22:23:00.002+08:00

Never give up or trying too hard?

Me and my stupid mouth. Just when I say I will never fall sick. Sneezing like nobody's business now. Way too fast. Just when I need to stay awake to chiong report. NICE. AHHHHHHHHHHH super tempted to just go sleep BUT let me remind myself once again, I'm way behind time.

On a side note, HELLO I WONDER WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? PURE LAZINESS? PECULIAR PECULIAR or am i thinking too much?

Oh well, here we go again.

2012-01-02T22:06:00.002+08:00

Maybe this is it.

Started 2012 really peacefully. Simple dinner. No booze, no partying, no crazy encounters, no squeezing, no shouting, no hangovers, no nothing. Hang out with the clique at vian's house, complaining about the crappy tv programs at every single channels, watching local celebs trying to sing and dance but they all barely make it OMG. Cheap thrill cos we got a pretty good view of the fireworks over at JB HAHAHAHA. Played taboo and the funniest thing is when the word 'SANTA CLAUS' came out, good old jordan just shout, "the Finnish Fat Man you get it??!!"

Tomorrow's school again. I've got assignment due on 6th Jan and 11th Jan. Haven't type a single word. GG.

2012-01-01T15:34:00.002+08:00

come on barbie, let's go party.

I foresee a good year to come. 2012, let's go!

2011-12-28T00:53:00.002+08:00

Endless possibilities.

Never tried to deny the fact that I'm an ultimate fangirl. Yes I am one when it comes to KEYBUM >.< So when you daydream, reality become less harsh, days passed by quite fast. That is exactly what I need.

Somehow I don't understand why am I still hoping. Such foolish actions, shall learn not to be nice. Gonna take a step back and if someone comes along and take you away, then let this be fate. I will be all miserable all over again but I know I will survive like I always did.

Life's been kind of screwed. Insomnia almost every single night now, it is rather scary. I need to repay my sleep debt but it is so hard to fall asleep nowadays and I don't know what exactly is the cause of it. AND AND AND, 2012 is coming, absolutely haven't touch any school work yet. I foreseeee panic attacks and more sleepless night to come. Whyyyyyyyyyy you never learn, meiyinquek?

2011-12-25T22:57:00.005+08:00

I am so so so tired. I am so so so tired. Merry Christmas all but it's not very merry for me though. I feel like I worked like an elf this christmas. It's like rushing for project assignment but ive got the drive just thinking about ppl's happy faces when they receive something from me. It keeps me going till the wee hours in the morning.

I am so so so tired because I spent the entire day giving, I didn't really do anything I really want to do on Christmas. I absolutely did not get to feast on anything. I didn't get to watch shelock holmes. I tried too hard and I cried. I feel so upset this xmas. High expectations really brings greater disappointment. No matter how long time passes, some things never change, some people stays the same. I questioned myself every single day, why? Why go through all that trouble? Why?

If you really want something, aren't you determined to get it? If the person truly matters, won't you want to give your all to make them happy? If all this matter, wouldn't you try your best to make things work? Even the tiniest thing? Correct me if I'm wrong.

You never failed to make me feel so insignificant. I feel like I'm trying to hard, begging for your attention and I fly over the moon when you just simply turn your head and look at me.

This, has got to stop.

2011-12-21T20:46:00.003+08:00

"Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you.
Say no. Get to know someone random. Be random.
Fall in love. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke till your stomach hurts.
Say i love you. Cry. Apologize. Laugh till you cry.
Tell someone how much they mean to you. Let someone know what they're missing.
Assert your right. Live with intention. Walk to the edge.
Play with abandon. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Do what you love."

2011-12-19T01:39:00.004+08:00

take us back to the beginning.

Perks of working in USS. Took BSG and Transformers continuously the entire day without having to queue at all. The rain's playing games with us and the peak of the entire day of fun came when me, donn and cheeyong were all strapped and buckled up on Cylon, all ready to battle when the rain started pouring like mad. Rain slapping our face like nobody's business and Cylon was at full speed. WE ARE FREAKING SITTING ON THE FIRST ROW. Epic, it's like JPR but Cylon version. That probably explains why my head's feeling all light and all that random sneezing now.

And so we played all day and I become a happy girl all over again. Wonderland was fun and I wish for more happy days ahead.

On a sidenote, YES I FINALLY DITCH MR SONY ERICSSON (you've been a great companion but I deserve so much better) AND HOOKED UP WITH APPLE 4S. Wahahahah. One big hole this December with all that shopping for myself. ZERO xmas present settled. GG.

I know I will miss you when you go away.

2011-12-17T01:10:00.002+08:00

Its the season of giving so I gave you away. Goodbye my love.

Wish things were that simple. 2012's gonna come in around 2 weeks time, time passes by so quickly it's freaking me out. Come to think of it, there's so many things I want to accomplish but I never really get myself down to completing them. And so everyone's talking about new year resolution, I don't even know exactly what I want. Everything's here and there and everywhere. When will I ever learn?

Been shopping too much online, the guilt's kinda creeping in on me already. It seems like the more I want to stop myself, the more I get tempted to buy things. Oh my god. Somebody needs to stop me. I need to pack my room but I don't really know where to start with. AHHHHHHHH and so the long list of things to complete and so the procrastination starts.

2011-12-15T02:18:00.002+08:00

You joke around cos you are afraid to take anything seriously. Because if you take things seriously, they matter.

Finally, a break from school. Been working since then though, so I barely rest at all. Still keeping myself busy so that I have less time to think of nonsensical shit. Still don't know what to do with myself. Still have the thought of keeping you all to myself, but I'm barely even near you. You are so much harder to read these days and the idea of you talking so much with the other girl scares me. You are probably gone any time now. I am still waiting and I don't understand why the hell I let myself into this.

2011-12-12T01:27:00.002+08:00

I don't really know much about you anymore. We've been through this cycle so many times, I wonder if you even remember.

I want to be the first to leave and let you go because I don't want you to let me go because of someone else.

Please give me the strength to carry on.

2011-11-24T11:52:00.003+08:00

Thanks for reminding me why I hate my job sometimes.

2011-11-23T22:23:00.004+08:00

Even though I think I am having a panic attack now cos I feel like puking and my brain is hurting like mad now, I obviously don't really know how to make good choices. Shame of me, having stayed home for 2 days, read through the case and draft an outline but I don't know how to start my first sentence for my intro and I'm already stuck. To think I should be spending all my time figuring out how to complete my report and here I am blogging. Shame on me. I used to be able to do last minute work, in fact, the stress used to be a driving force, pushing me to give it a best shot. Used to. Past tense. I still can't figure what the hell happen to me. But coming back to my point, I have less than 3 days to complete my report and I still haven't type my first sentence despite having most of the resources surrounding me. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHAIN THEM ALL UP. Fuck.

2011-11-22T14:57:00.002+08:00

The feeling of having nothing to look forward to.

Meaningless days ahead. I'm becoming sucha boring person. I hate awkward silence. We used to share alot of common topics, never-ending conversations. Now, I feel obliged to be the conversation starter but I can't think of anything interesting or witty to say anymore. I don't want to drift away, I still care. I hate the pretending game; pretending that I don't care, pretending I forget, pretending that everything's okay.

But that's the way it is, is it?

Sometimes, people just don't want to hear the truth. Probably I cared so much because I don't want to be replaced.

2011-11-13T08:44:00.005+08:00

This is none of your business. Why do you get so affected by other people's problem?

I constantly ask myself why the heck did I feel this way, why the heck I feel so upset, why the heck did I have to care, why do I even bother. People say, 'things will stay the same. Nothing will change.' Hell no. Cos when people start saying that, things are bound to change. They just said it. And I feel so awful just listening to them say it. I know I will be the one getting the change, go through the change, see people drift away even though they say they never will. It is so upsetting all the time. Sometimes I amazed myself, the amount of pain/shock my heart can take.

I feel awful today. I should accept people the way they are. I don't want to and I don't why I feel like an extremist towards homosexuality issues. I want to be open-minded. I want to say, congrats I'm happy for you but i can't. The best i can say is I'm happy just as long as you are happy. For once, I hope my aura sensing radar will fail me. It is so disgustingly accurate, I feel so damn awful every time a certain thought or feeling hits me. I don't know how to explain to make people understand. Now I know why people got scared and run away. I thought my heart can no longer take it when people decide to leave me. But I think my heart is prepared for anything now since I trained myself well. Its okay to not feel okay. It's okay to be alone.

I just didn't know that this day will come by so fast.

2011-11-12T03:16:00.003+08:00

My sixth sense is too accurate nowadays, it's kinda freaking me out seriously. I told people about it and they said I think too much. And at the end of the day, most of it happened and I end up saying, "I told you so."

Still stuck in the freaking maze and I don't know what should I do to make myself happy. Being busy was one option and being ignorant was another. I'm letting go of some people cos they no longer deserve my attention and some I just simply can't let go, god knows why. And you, were someone I wanted to leave behind but somehow I seem to be clinging onto something we still have just so I can still stay by your side. Thought I could let go of you but I can't and so i'll continue to pretend that I'm fine and be your 'best friend' till god knows when, just so I won't lose you completely.

I must be out of my mind. Hahaha.

2011-10-30T00:39:00.003+08:00

And you feel empty once again.

That's the problem with exams, all you did during exam period was pure mugging. The past few weeks were pure madness. Waking up at 8am almost everyday just to study but ended up stoning half the day away. Nothing actually matters. It doesn't matter how cui I look, it doesn't matter how much I eat. Camping at Starbucks all day, trying to figure out why the hell am I studying all this. Urgh, and eating and eating and eating non-stop because of the stress. Sigh and then the aftermath of exam. Yay to no exams and boo to school on Monday. Seriously :(

I wasn't even happy when I finished my last paper. 2nd sem starting in 2 days time and I'm working my weekends away. Treated myself to a good dinner - authentic Korean hotpot kimchi fried rice YUMZ, meeting up with my fav. bunch of DTRM clique and crapping away. I really miss the days where we mug like mad at RP and chionging 7 projects, reports and presentation back to back. 48 hours not sleeping, cursing and swearing when lecturers can be such childish pain in the ass. I miss DTRM 04.

On a sidenote, I found the best study partner EVER. She is just like VIVIAN! Yayness, Audrey is super discipline and she made me study and constantly stopped me from stoning. And she had a freaky dream about me and my bestfriend and the person she describe seriously sounds like donn which is freaky freaky freaky cos i have never show her any pics of any guy. LAUGH LIKE MAD. So glad that I have 'bentetts' HAHAHA (we have yet to confirm our clique name), the girls make uni so much bearable now, I can't imagine what will I do without them.

Positive thinking keeps me going. Wish everyday will have no/less shit, no fluctuating emotions and I count my blessings. Optimism pls stay.

I still miss you, or perhaps I just miss those fond memories - you at that point of time.

2011-10-24T22:40:00.002+08:00

I feel like I tried too hard. Today's paper was super depressing. No, it's not at all difficult. In fact, I have the answer right at the back of my head. I JUST CANNOT FREAKING REMEMBER. I totally screwed up. My mind just went blank. When is the last time I came out of the examination room feeling like it's the end of the world? I always came out feeling shitty but I never cry.

I try too hard I lost control. Tell me how to start over. Feeling really helpless and alone and I don't know who to turn to.

2011-10-15T01:13:00.002+08:00

Mugging like mad. I don't remember I ever study so hard in my entire life. I used to be able to spot questions and study smart. I was lucky. Past tense, I WAS. I need to absorb like a freaking sponge. Pray hard that I will not die of overdose of caffeine from the amount of coffee I consumed when mugging at starbucks.

2011-10-12T01:13:00.002+08:00

Why is it so hard to find someone when I need someone? Why?

Home feels like hell. How long more do I have to pretend that I am okay? I am crying so hard now I don't know what to do to myself. And I don't know who can I ever call to help me. The people I thought I can depend on probably can't handle me anymore. I hate it when I feel so useless. I hate it when I cannot control myself. Why do people always call me when they need me and they are never here when I needed someone. This is so fucking scary. How pathetic can I can and all i can talk to is my blog.

2011-10-09T21:46:00.000+08:00

I keep trying. I keep telling myself that one day I'll wake up that it's different but it's not.

2011-10-06T23:44:00.012+08:00

Hello world! It's 1am in the morning; 0330 by UKiss is playing and I'm busy uploading photos god knows for what when I'm supposed to be diligently studying for Business Accounting which is coming in 13 days time. DAMN YOU MEIYIN QUEK. I am the most not discipline person on earth.

Anyway, September started out real depressing. Thank god, my 21st was surprisingly peaceful with the exception that my awesome phone had to go for a swim in Butter Fact's toilet bowl at midnight. RIGHT.AFTER.I.TURNED.TWENTYONE. THANKYOUVERYMUCH, now I have a real reason to get my ~~IPHONE5~~ IPHONE4S. *sadface* BUT I didn't get to read all my birthday sms-es and I'm stuck with stupid sony ericsson in the meantime.

Here's my longest pictorial update everrrrrr:

BEST DAY EVER 10 SEPTEMBER 2011! My first time camping at the airport but it was all worth it and my first time going all crazy for a concert. I WAS BREATHING IN THE SAME OXYGEN AS KEYBUM :DDD

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HAPPY TWENTYONE GK. i miss you very much. The cranky look on the birthday boy was hilarious.

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A pleasant surprise on a friday morning. Awesome strawberry jello cheesecake YUMYUMYUM and chunky ring!!!! My uni clique make uni so much bearable. Because I don't have whatsapp so I have no access to our one and only photo :(

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A simple dinner with WINSOR turned out to be a surprise dinner for me and faiz! So much fond memories - amazing race, shouting 'give-me-cupcakes!' in the middle of orchard road, the kids hiding around and jumping out, singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY song off-key and laughing like mad in public. I am so glad everything turned out well during FO. We all know we love one another, WINSOR, forever and always.

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Class of 2006! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWIN! Turning twentyone with one of my girls. I've got rainbow cupcakes YAYNESS!!!! Cheery sunflower and girlfriends who promise to stand by me forever and always.

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Turned twentyone at Butter Fact, drunk. Drunk texting people and replying birthday wishes unconsciously till the phone dropped into the toilet bowl and then I woke up. Seriously screwed up. Went home at 7am to a room filled with balloons. Shocked and then started crying like mad. HAHAHAHA MORNING MADNESS and feeling guilty for calling jasmine kua a liar when she called the night before saying she was waiting with the rest at my house. Whoops. Mourned over turning twentyone for half a day and then went out for movie with GK. It's been a while and I wish we can do this more often like we used to but maybe I'm the only one who's still living in the past. Johnny English was hilarious. Strictly Pancakes with Theresa and then photobooth! I want a iPad2 tooooo.

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Look at the silly outfit we were in. Trying to be some Korean princess but I think we all look like chamber maids in the Korean Palace or something HEHE. Party in the Park! The highlight was the awesome lucky draw with 8 iPad2 and 5000 dollars travel voucher. NOT SO LUCKY APPARENTLY :(

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HATCHED with my UO girls!! It is my favourite place on earth cos I LOVEEEEE EGGS AND CHICKEN!!!! Obviously Vivian baked me birthday cupcakes in the midst of studying her test. *I LOVE YOU BIG SISTER!* I got a new watch!!!!! And the entire time we were spamming action cam or whatever iphone app it is! I NEED AN IPHONE SERIOUSLY. The other birthday celebration was dinner with my two awesome brothers but I forgot to force them take pictures with me. AHHHHHHH.

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR EVERYTHING. Not like they know I thank them cos nobody knows my blog. But I love everyone truely from deep deep down down bottom of my heart! I guess more depressing days to come in the near future, I hate myself for slowly turning into some pessimist, but I will try to look on the bright side. I NEED TO BE CHEERY ALL OVER AGAIN.

Siao going to 3am already. STUDY EPIC FAIL. Shall try again tomorrow! RAWRRRR NIGHTY.

2011-09-15T20:51:00.002+08:00

you want to leave this place so badly.

I can't think of anything I will really miss about in this place. Everyone and every thing used to seem so important to me. They used to be important. They used to.

I want to know why do I feel sad every single day. I hate September cause everything just seem to go downwards. I hate September cause bad things happen in this time of the year. I hate September cause it is the month of expectations. I hate September cause it reminds me of my very own existence. I hate September cause every year I wish I was someone else. I hate September.

I wish this self-hate issue will leave me. I want to be happy. I try so hard already. Disappointment always kicks in. I can't help but feel so unimportant. I feel so bad cause people come to me with all their problems and I tried my best to stay awake, be there and listen. But when I really need someone, I don't seem to have anyone to turn to. How pathetic is that? I hate being second place.

Probably tomorrow I will look at this post and laugh, thinking how childish I am to blog about this. Probably. But this is today and it sucks.

2011-09-11T23:22:00.002+08:00

today, you feel nothing.

10 September 2011 is the best day ever. The whole of 2011 was literally shitty. I finally had something to look forward to and now it's over. And the waiting starts all over again.

I really wish money can just drop from the sky so that I have the ability to do what I want. I want to get out of here so badly. Starting to regret not getting myself into International Business. ARGH.

2011-09-06T07:47:00.001+08:00

2011-09-04T21:48:00.002+08:00

i am not okay.

Today, I feel like shit. I felt like I'm having a hangover. I feel so..trapped. I don't know why I kept making myself go back when I know I will only end up in disappointment. Negativity surrounds me, it's freaking me out. I am trying my absolute best to be stupidly happy around people. I acted like I don't care anymore but actually every single shit still matters and it stinks.

Somebody teach me how to fucking let go. I don't want to be this useless bitch who cry to myself and blog posts that people deem as emo.

2011-09-03T02:01:00.004+08:00

you want to go back so badly.

2am in the morning, so dead. Not even halfway through change management, not even halfway through other things that I'm supposed to do. 8.30am class, gonna wake up in a few hours time. I AM SO DEAD.

Yet, I still take my time browsing through old photos. I MISS YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU, so many YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. People come and people left. I want to go back to all those happy times, so so so badly. Camps, o so many insane camps. Camp songs, stupid camp games, disgusting camp food, noisy problematic campers. I miss so many awesome groups of people.

I surrender, I give in. I miss all of you so much, please come back.

seeing this note again makes me laugh to myself. so many stupid memories.

2011-09-01T02:28:00.005+08:00

How can it not bother you?

It keeps going on and on and on in my head.

How can it not bother you that we’re not close anymore? How can it not bother you that we don’t do things together anymore? How can it not bother you that you don’t tell me things and you don’t ask me things anymore? How the hell can it not bother you?

I am so, extremely, sick of friends who go through me like I’m just a phase. A mere passing phase in their freaking lives. An insignificant, replaceable, forgettable human who gets left behind as they move on.

When you stop being close with a friend, you don’t just let it go and attribute it to life. You made a choice. A conscious, willing choice. At least have the decency to admit to that, instead of saying, “Oh well, it’s life.” -- grumpyoldgranny

Read this from Vian's tumblr and it really describes exactly how I feel. I want to know why it bothers me so much and why it doesn't seem to bother you at all. I pretended that I don't care and it's the worst feeling ever.

I am trying my best to go back to who I was. I pushed all my negative thoughts to the back of my mind and think only positive thoughts.

Recently, every single day, I have friends who call and text me whenever they need me. Literally whenever they need someone to rant to, whenever their girlfriends' not free, whenever they feel bored in army. At first, I felt important because I am someone whom they can rely and trust. But, people leave once they are done. I helped people kill time and nobody really cares.

U-Kiss : Some day

2011-08-25T23:36:00.002+08:00

Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.

Isn't it scary to have to face everything alone? Yes it is and I've been through it a zillion time, I think I'm a pro. On some days, I feel invincible like I know exactly what to do and how. On most, I simply mopped around or rushed through the day, studying and then working that I can barely think logically.

WHY OH WHY, I probably need more time. 7 days a week, 24 hours a day is not enough. I wish I am smarter. I wish money fall from the sky. Urgh.

2011-08-25T01:33:00.002+08:00

Don't judge because it's a thai song! >.< I gonna find the english translation for this song soon. Thai chick flick teenage movies are really really cheesy and funny. It makes me laugh like mad on emo days. And it makes me cry like mad during some parts of the movie. My favourite is suckseed and crazy little thing called love.

I can't wait for 10 September to come now that I miss Paramore's concert.

every little thing reminds me of you.

2011-08-20T15:38:00.000+08:00

The more you trust, the greater the betrayal. The more you love, the greater the harm.

2011-08-19T00:02:00.003+08:00

If it's still hurts, you still care.

I'm gonna be TWENTYONE in exactly a month's time. I don't want it to come at all :( simply because I don't know how to spend it, who to spend it with. Turning 21 is supposingly a really significant time of your life, and I haven't thought of what to do to make the best out of it. I don't want to hold those typical party where I spent the entire day coordinating and then having awkward photo taking sessions. And then again, I don't want to just waste it away.

And you know what? School sucks. If not for school, I will seriously buy an air ticket and fly to either Korea or Japan or Rome or Greece alone. It will be MADNESS. I really wanna to spend it somewhere else! Sigh my wish will never come true. Jan was like asking me to come with a wishlist. All I really want is cash or an air ticket or more cash or an iphone or an iPad2. HAHAHA might as well go rob the bank. I spent like a fortune on #%^*@&$ 21st birthday present for close friends to normal friends. Logically I should do something so that I can get some back right? HAHA no way am I gonna tire myself out. So oh so lazy me will get oh so boring twenty-first.

Once in a while I think, it's kinda saddening when I couldn't think of anyone I really wanna spend my birthday with. OMG.
And the worst thing is, nobody actually remembers. Total nightmare. But oh well.

2011-08-17T18:11:00.001+08:00

i miss you.

2011-08-10T23:04:00.002+08:00

you have to survive somehow.

I feel so frustrated with myself, so angry for no bloody reason that I cannot do anything properly. I feel all messed up, hoping someone will probably figure something out for me. But I know, this is never gonna happen.

2011-08-08T22:49:00.001+08:00

I am so dead.

It's either make or break.

2011-08-08T01:58:00.002+08:00

Madness. I know I should be making an effort to sleep every day but I never did. I never learn. Less than a week to report submission and I haven't really did much of a research. I foresee more sleepless nights to come.

Tried to keep myself updated on what is happening around the world so I started buying newspapers every other day. It is quite scary when the papers are filled with news about economy downturn in around the world particularly in the States and Aussie and natural disaster in China. My gosh.

I feel so small and insignificant sometimes.

Somehow there's no turning back.

2011-07-31T22:02:00.002+08:00

what if you don't feel anything anymore?

Goodbye July, Hello August. I don't want to make myself expect August to be awesome, I just hope it will be kind to me. Haven't start my report yet. This spells trouble. I am freaking myself out and I don't know how to make myself feel better. Every single time I want to start on my report, my mind is like a freaking blank piece of paper. For the first time, I am so scared that I don't have anything to submit. I hate uncertainty.

Been keeping myself way too busy. Wonder is it good or bad? 5 days of school and 2 days of work for 2 consecutive weeks. School everyday and then work under that. I probably need some time to catch my breath and catch up on my school work.

I need to be a freaking sponge now so that I can absorb everything fast and quick. So I tell myself, no stress no stress, you can do it. I need to think positive.

My 21st is slowly making its way to me. Everyone kept asking if I'm gonna do anything about it. I barely have time to sleep, let alone think about it. The only thing I feel like doing is to get myself a plane ticket to somewhere and fly away for a week. Madness.

I think I really did change. Went to Chings's 21st yesterday. It was nice catching up with everybody. In the mids of a conversation, they just turned towards me and said, "What happen to our Meiyin quek?" They caught me by surprise. I guess I used to be much happier. Much more happier. I can only manage a smile when my friend shake me and ask me to come back.

What seriously happen? I want myself to come back too. Pretty badly.

2011-07-13T22:57:00.003+08:00

you are afraid.

I miss Korea already. Missed the inkigayo special stage by a day. The trip is too short, way way way too short. There's so many things not done, so many places not being explore yet. And the food. I will go back there again! I need to see KEYbum! :(

Today marks the 3rd day of school. My awesome uni life is not very awesome yet. And so they say all the cute guys are in my class. Somehow they all have a weird aura that I'm not comfortable with so they are as good as not there. Every one don't seem to talk to everybody. Thank god I opened my mouth and say hello or I will be sitting in lecture alone. 6 hours of lecture almost killed me today. MARKET RESEARCH IS PURE DISGUSTING. I sorta understand but I don't think I know how to apply. Deadline for assignment is 3rd august. Eww. I need to get use to school soon. Either I die not knowing what to do or I die of diabetes cos I kept stuffing myself with candies so that I won't fall asleep in class.

On the side note, I need to start finding time to continue my Korean Language class. The trip to Korea made me realized that my Korean Language really CMI to the max. And I want to watch "Nobuta wo Produce". HAHA. and I will make studies my only worry now.

Attempt to sleep at 10PM: Failed
Attempt to read lecture notes in advance: Failed
Attempt to forget you: Failed

Goodnight world.

2011-07-01T23:29:00.003+08:00

you pick yourself up and then somebody just have to kick you in the face again.

Urgh. I feel so so so so so so disgusted. I feel like doing a million thing. I feel like banging my head on the wall, I feel screaming and punching, I feel like pulling my hair, I feel like binging, I feel like cursing, I feel like calling someone up and just annoy whoever, I feel like running out, I feel like doing this and doing that. In the end, I did none and just hug my stitch and cry my lungs out. How pathetic. Oh so pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. What a loser with puffy, swollen eyes.

So much for trying to cheer myself up the entire week. So much for not giving a damn just so I can live in self-denial. All effort wasted and back to square one on the eve of flying to my wonderland. I thought I can go Korea and be some fan girl but I can't. I thought I can start school on a happy note, I just end up in a class on my own. Life couldn't get any better than this. And your parents just have to give extra remarks just so I won't enjoy my trip. Omg why why why? Just leave me alone and I will be fine. But everything just have to come rushing to me and give me a punch when I'm about to stand up.

Omg thanks for everything.

2011-06-30T21:10:00.004+08:00

What happens when home doesn't feels like home at all?

I wish it wasn't so suffocating at home. I wish I can go home and lock myself in the room. I wish my dad will stop saying hurtful words that stung. I wish there wasn't any slamming of things involved. I wish my mum will hug me and tell me that everything's gonna be okay. I wish I don't have to feel scared just because I never do household chores for that day. I wish people will show me that they love me instead of just saying it. I wish I can stop hiding in the toilet and cry.

I know I'm probably selfish cause there are people who is worse off than me. Somehow it doesn't make me feel better. Somehow when everything starts falling down, then I realized that I was all alone.

2011-06-28T23:13:00.002+08:00

We will hide and pretend if you want to hide and pretend.

"You can't go on everyday living in the past." And so I tell myself that. I wanted so much to go back but it's no use. I don't have a time machine and I can't change a thing. I hope to feel better and better, just not today but I have to.

Counting down to saturday, counting down to school, counting down to a new page. It seems like I need to start kicking alot of my bad habits. I need to be more patient. I become so bad tempered recently, I know I need to make a change. For a better me, I need to change.

Once in awhile, I wish you treasure me more as a friend. I wish you'll tell me that I am irreplaceable in your heart as your best friend.

A little voice at the back of my head speaks, "don't keep your hopes high, don't put your heart at risk again."

2011-06-26T15:15:00.002+08:00

you want to be a choice and not an option anymore.

People do things they can never imagine they will ever do when they are emotionally unstable. Next time, take a deep breath and suck it in or go find a corner and cry it all out. Note to self. I hate being left behind, I hate being left behind, I hate being lied to. I hate being left behind. I feel like some unwanted kid sitting in the middle of the room. I hate being left behind.

Do you know how it feels like to be left behind?

Watched "Something borrowed". We all have a choice. We struggled, we have different options. We run away. But one day, we have to decide what we want for our life.

2011-06-22T13:19:00.002+08:00

too afraid to start over and lose everything all over again.

I want to lose this weakness for you.

Somehow it seems to be a good thing that time passes by pretty fast recently. I seem to have different things to constantly keep me occupied. I need to catch up on my sleep. I feel sick but I am not physically sick. I must be mad to wish that I can get a fever or diarrheo or some sort before going Korea. I want to feel as good as new again.

Something to be happy about: 10 days to KOREA!!
It scares me knowing how much I want to get away from this place. Some things and some people still matters alot. On one day or another, the hopeless feeling will come back to haunt. On some days, I actually hope that someone will turn back and decide to do something to make me feel better. AHA.

HELLO BRIGHT BRIGHT FUTURE! I need to feel hopeful today.

2011-06-21T00:29:00.002+08:00

i want a trip inside your head, spend the day there and hear the things you haven't said.

Too self-conscious since god-knows-when. I need to kick this bad habit and have more confidence in myself. Been psycho-ing myself to stay positive, think positive and then I will feel positive. Less than 2 weeks to Korea! I AM SUPER EXCITED SERIOUSLY. It would be a bonus if I can see SHINee. I wish I wish I can.

Need to get some sleep to feel less cranky.

2011-06-19T16:01:00.002+08:00

you keep it on the inside, because that's the safest place to hide.

There are some things that I guess I will never ever understand. Been trying really hard not to overthink things. Everyday counting down to the end of June. Don't lose faith. Be hopeful.

2011-06-16T19:16:00.002+08:00

Absolutely nothing is going the right way.

People seem to leave you or drift apart all at once and you want to cope with it. But you don't seem to know how to. I hate to question but situations shaped me into someone I thought I will never ever become. But I did.

People told me I used to be this happy and bubbly girl with a happy glow surrounding me like nothing can ever bring me down. I smiled and tried very hard to remember that person they describe. But I can't seem to remember how I used to be able to find happiness in the tiniest thing on earth.

Today, I feel small, insecure, insignificant and easily replaceable. I know that it is very unhealthy and it is eating me up. All I ask for now, is for everything to fall back into place. And I tell myself, I'm not going to run away, gonna kill the monster face to face.

2011-06-16T16:37:00.001+08:00

Just imagine a world where no one has any memory of you.

Quoted from grumpyoldgranny:

"I've been trying to think what is so different about you, but there's really nothing. You're just an average guy, with ordinary thoughts and an ordinary personality. Nothing special at all. Not exceptionally humorous. Not extremely intelligent. Not out-of-the-way gentlemenly.

But isn't that what is most fascinating? You do not stand out from the crowd in any way, yet I still think the world of you.

Annnnnnnd before I go, I'll leave you with a thought: we only exist if people remember us."

2011-06-16T02:01:00.002+08:00

Today, I feel like dying. It sounds so extreme and it doesn't sound like who I used to be. It feels like something is drilling a hole inside me and it scares me. I don't understand why did I allow myself to feel this way. I feel so frustrated and so angry with myself because I know the answer all along and I refused to let it go.

I have never beg for anything from anyone. And you make me feel like I am begging you for something. I feel so emotionally unstable lately, i said things that I would never say in the past. I feel so pissed with myself for being so persistent. I feel sooo.. worthless and insignificant. I feel like I don't mean anything anymore. It pains me that I am feeling so shitty and you seem unaffected like nothing ever happen.

I feel so sick of myself when I cry myself to sleep. I know I don't have to do this to myself. I know but there's a hole but I still walk right into it and I'm stuck. I feel pathetic. I feel like a piece of shit for not picking myself up.

2011-06-13T23:21:00.002+08:00

what the hell do you want from me?

Home is not home anymore when you don't feel like going home at all. I don't know what the hell is wrong with my dad and I don't know what I can do. One day, he's fine and on the other, he will scold and get mad at us for no reason. The words he used stung and hurt so much. It's like waiting for the volcano to erupt every single day.

I want to be strong and cool about it but at the end of the day, I hate myself for crying about it like some weak piece of shit. Nothing constructive ever pops into my brain.

you know you are on your own.

2011-06-12T23:00:00.002+08:00

I open my mouth and nothing comes out.

Why oh why QMY? I suck big time man, I thought I was doing a damn good job nowadays. I guess I still haven't accept the fact that what I hope for will never happen again. Puffy and injured eyes, CUI TTM. Wake up, wake up, wake up already. Sigh. Went home and shoved down a choco fudge cake for dinner, feeling happier at first followed by the guilt feeling. And then I wish I can eat and not grow fat. I've too much issues with myself. I can't help it and I don't know how to cure it.

On the sidenote, I really wanna get out of here for awhile. I'm sick of my job, sick of my life and sick of myself. I need to be happy with myself to be happy with people. Tooo much imperfection in my life and I still don't know how to pick up the pieces. Me now, sickening piece of weak shit.

QUEKMEIYIN, you need to be tougher and unbreakable.

2011-06-08T12:48:00.002+08:00

how much more?

I wish I can fill this blog with unlimited supply of sunshine, happiness, rainbows and butterflies. But I can't cos I don't really have any.

June started off with a swollen left eye and an empty heart. I wish I can update this space and start off with the sentence,'THINGS GOT BETTER!!' But I can't.

Are all the misery self-inflicted? Things happened at home recently and for the first time, I don't really know what to do. What if one day your dad just wrote you and your mum a letter, asking you not to be sad if he suddenly leave this world; telling you to take care of the family and to bring him peace after he's gone?

I don't know why the hell this is happening. All I know is I don't know what to do when the helpless mum turn to me for help and the dad won't talk when I tried to talk. I questioned myself,"Why?" All I get is silence and all I can do is cry myself to sleep, hoping everything will be better when I wake up.

But so far, nothing did.

2011-06-05T09:59:00.005+08:00

wake up from your dream.

QUEKMEIYIN, start getting this into your head and stop being so needy.

Girls are generally dumb creatures. No matter how much guys did to hurt them, a big part of them still hopes for a change in them. Girls will still go back to the same old person who hurt them. Too many heartbreaks recently. How can you let go and disappear so quickly? WHY OH WHY?

2011-06-05T00:32:00.002+08:00

Today, I feel like taking something sharp to poke my eye, poke my brain and poke my heart.

I'm at the verge of giving up.

2011-06-04T01:38:00.001+08:00

never let a girl thinks she has a chance when you know she doesn't.

Sometimes I wonder, "What am I to you?" I wish I can let it go but I can't. Being apart makes me feel like what we once share were all just my own wishful thinking. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to be replaced but maybe I'm not important in the first place.

Why did I let go without putting up a fight? Maybe I would've stand a chance. Tomorrow I hope i will be less needy.

2011-06-01T02:27:00.005+08:00

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

2am in the morning. Skyping Teresa and DBSK's DOUSHITTE KIMI WO SUKI NI NATTE SHIMATTAN DAROU is on replay mode. I can't help but feel sad after listening to them. Damn nice.

I was hoping JUNE will be nothing but awesome. And then, first day of June, woke up with a freaking swollen left eye. No contacts for the next few days. Sigh. WHY LIKE THAT? Hope is decreasing, every single day.

2011-05-30T22:43:00.003+08:00

can we be happy together again?

OMG. Finally something to be happy about. My UOB uni acceptance letter finally arrived. Thank god. I know I did well for the interview but nothing is certain nowadays. I just don't want to give myself too much hope to avoid major disappointment. Oh well. I WAS super happy about it when I saw the thick brown envelope. I WAS still happy when I ripped it open. I WAS happy. Starting school in July is like tooo soon. I haven't slack at all eversince I started working.

And guess what? School's gonna start on 11 July. OMG TOO SOON :(

Hello freaking JUNE. Please please please be good. *Pray hard* Pretty pretty skin. Let this super cui skin of mine heal. *Pray hard* Let us be happy again. *Pray hard*

sharks every little things make me thought of you. rawr.

2011-05-29T15:11:00.005+08:00

we can sit and fantasize all we want about how things are going to be different one day, but this is today and it sucks.

Today is another sunday and I woke up late for work today again. I dreamt that I was eating chicken rice with my best friend and I feel so bloated and lazy. What a weird dream. Felt less needy today but still disgusted with the pimple outbreak. I wonder why my life is filled with so much imperfections.

So this was what I have been doing for the entire day after I finished all my paper work in super speed. My favourite childhood paper toy. AHAHAHAHAHAHA everybody in the office thinks I damn bo liao and easily contented cos I seem so happy playing with it. And then I spent the rest of time daydreaming of places I want to go. Tumblr is the best. I want to go to a place where I can see the entire piece of the blue blue sky and sit on some big gigantic green green grass patch with pretty flowers. Or make snow angel. WAHAHAHA. I need to get myself distracted.

I wish I am some fairytale princess. Where are you, my prince? AHAHAHA.

2011-05-28T14:11:00.004+08:00

you are worth the fight, but i can't fight forever.

June is coming. Are we running away from each other or are you running away from me? In one day, all the promises just came collapsing down on me. I hope things will become better. This life has too many question marks.

i miss you.

2011-05-27T11:39:00.004+08:00

you fear to love again.

SHINee - JAPAN DEBUT SINGLE 「Replay -君は僕のeverything-」

That link will be replaced with the video once I can get the codes! Its been awhile since I am so happy about this kind of small little little things that might not even be significant to anyone else out there.

I hope SIM letter will come quick.

are you ready for the truth?

2011-05-26T12:56:00.003+08:00

nothing good ever stays with me.

Why do I think of you everyday? Sigh.

2011-05-24T00:52:00.001+08:00

tell me you are coming to get me soon.

Monday blues. Sudden pimple outbreak. Life cannot get even better than this. Why oh why?

2011-05-22T14:15:00.003+08:00

I wanna scream, I wanna cry. I wanna fight, I wanna try. But all I can do is smile and hide the pain inside.

One day good, one day bad. 10 days gone, still the same. I feel like some dumb shit who don't know how to control my brain or my heart. Argh why like that QUEK MEI YIN? You need to freaking wake up already.

2011-05-22T14:00:00.001+08:00

She said that she wanted to get high. He took her to the tallest hill in town.
She said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink. He bought her a 12-pack of caffinated Pepsi and said, “Drink up.”
She said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face. He gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger, aimed it at her face, and helped her pull the trigger.
She said that she wanted to cut herself. He took a polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors, and had her cut it up.
She said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep. He had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed.
She said that she wanted to see her blood. He took her to get her ears pierced.
She said she wanted to be alone. He gave her a name tag that said, “My name is: Alone.”
She said she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always. He asked her when he wasn’t.

2011-05-21T19:14:00.007+08:00

so she always said, "you gotta put the past behind you before you can move on."

I am getting more and more confused with myself. I don't know what the hell I want. I thought I was strong enough to pretend that nothing ever happen and nothing ever went wrong. And so we pretend and so we hide, hoping time will make everything disappear. All this is killing me. Please let me know that everything will be okay.

Happen to chance upon this movie trailer. OMG, the girl's reaction is freaking cute and so so so true. I used to do stupid things like that :x And the guy is obviously cute! I want to watch it but I can't help by wondering why the girl only stand a chance in getting the guy when she become pretty. REALITY.

sometimes i wish you will tell me how you feel.

2011-05-18T14:24:00.003+08:00

you thought you know and then you don't know again.

Lazy wednesday. Today I decided to give Bruno Mars a chance and listen to this lazy song that makes me think of that stupid piece of cheese. Oh well, i have to admit that he's not that bad after all. And guess what, this stupid song is stuck in my head and I feel lazier.

Sometimes I wonder why do you give and then take away?

2011-05-17T18:11:00.007+08:00

“Don’t dwell on the past. Your history can’t be erased, but your future has yet to be written. Make the most of what’s going to happen instead of worrying about what you can’t change. Don’t waste your time being sad, because you’re wasting away moments in which you could be happy. Always remember that.”

I am blogging this after my interview. I don't know why I feel so high after that. I feel so happy like nothing matters anymore. For that short moment, I feel like my 'old' self again. I miss that meiyin who don't care about any single shit in life.

I will work towards that. YES MAN, tomorrow's my off day!! I can't wait for the uni results to be released. I need to go back to school. Period.

On a sidenote, everybody seem to recommend me this book to read!
where rainbows end by cecilia ahern
here's abit of the preview: http://www.cecelia-ahern.com/whererainbowsend.pdf

we are young so we don't care no shit.

2011-05-17T12:57:00.002+08:00

I CAN DO IT! :)

2011-05-16T15:09:00.003+08:00

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. And in the end you learn who is fake, who is true and who would risk it all for you.

Today, I feel stronger. All we need is time to get better. Anything can happen. Only time will tell. She said, "Have faith okay!!" And I choose to believe her. We can if we want to :) I hope you do too.

AHH TOMORROW. GOODLUCK FOR MY INTERVIEW!

2011-05-15T15:57:00.004+08:00

i wish i know what to do.

I need distraction. Work is getting more and more boring each day that nothing really keeps me occupied. I stopped thinking alot cos it seems to be the root of all evil. I need to be ignorant and just be plain, simple and then maybe I will be happy.

Everything's bound to be different now. No matter how much we want it to go back. I am determined to solve everything. I can't stand the distance. I was just thinking if I am trying too hard. Am I being too persistent? I was afraid that if I ignore, it will be gone forever. Or maybe there is really nothing I can do? Am I the only one who really cares?

On a sidenote, something really important is going to happen on 17 May 2011. MY SIM UOB INTERVIEW WITH THE UK DEAN. I am freaking nervous cos its been so long since I went through an interview. It is gonna be conducted through skype somemore. I need to practice skyping! I really want to get in and start studying already.

I hope things will get better.

2011-05-14T13:37:00.003+08:00

funny how seeing you gives me both joy and sadness at the same time.

My greatest fear came true and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

It has been a long long long time since I felt so sad and helpless. I cried my eyes out on this sleepless night and felt like shit the rest of the day. It doesn't change anything. There's still a big hole in my heart.

At least I woke up today, thinking I will get better and better each day.
I promise to be as good as new again but not today yet :)

S.H.E's songs are the best during this time.

I think maybe the most confusing person are ourselves. We all want what we can’t have, and rarely appreciate what we do have. We fall for someone we know will hurt us, but ignore the people who care about us. We love when we should hate, and vice versa. When we get what we’ve been wanting, it never meets our standards. We can’t make up our minds.

2011-05-12T10:43:00.000+08:00

Stop grabbing.

2011-05-11T00:40:00.002+08:00

How disgusting can the day gets? How insignificant can i become?

Why is it that everytime my sister is at fault, i'll be the one getting the scolding? I hate it when my mum blame me without finding out the facts. She assumed that every single thing is my fault. How disgusting can everything gets?

I never gonna believe anything that anyone says. Taking it with a pinch of salt. I will just listen. I will never ever gonna trust 100% anymore. Words are just words. Everyone just say and not mean it. People just say and forget. People just say because the situations prompt them to. I don't want to stupidly believe and get dump last minute over and over again. I dont want to make myself believe wholeheartedly and then it is all a lie.

But then again, maybe i cant trust myself either.

2011-05-10T23:40:00.002+08:00

Tell me why do I feel this way.

Shit man seriously. I hate it when that 'aura' thing in me goes mad. I hate it when all the pessimism just built up in me and no one, not even myself can do anything to it. I AM GOING BONKERS. Where did all this bad dreams come from? Its so hard to fall asleep nowadays. What is happening to me?

I want to see you and tell you everything. Went to watch movie alone again :(

Dear almighty-that-is-up-in-the-sky, please don't take my happiness away.

2011-05-10T12:49:00.001+08:00

2011-05-08T21:59:00.003+08:00

will you feel better once you hit rock bottom?

Now I know how it feels. Your mood goes up and down because of that one person. You lose control once in a while and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Too much anticipation, too much thoughts, too much worries. It scares me.

2011-05-08T15:12:00.003+08:00

tell me why am i so hard to please?

I have to accept the fact that there are still many days to come that I need to work on a sunday. BOO, gazillion years never sleep until the sun shine on my bum, or stoning and rolling in bed and eating breakfast while watching doramon. Freaking woke up at 4.30am in the morning, dozing off in MRT, squeezing on disgusting RWS8, checking stupid reports and then stone.

CHOMP-ed on thursday night with my favourite Juan and Vian. Never took any photo cos of all our cui-face. Till next time! So happy cos we got to share all our deepest secrets with one another. Can't wait for Juan to come back from Hong Kong so that we can go KSL together :))

I wish for all play no work. FAT FAT HOPE THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE.

3rd of May was officially my one year anniversary with OPSBASE. The 5 crazy girls are my main motivation to work. Oh how I will miss all of them when we eventually leave. Starting from GLENDA :(

Nothing is forever. Can you be my nothing? HEHE.

2011-05-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

I think of you, today, tomorrow and the day after :)

2011-05-05T15:22:00.003+08:00

Will we always stay the same?

Mundane thursday. As usual, super bored and cranky. WHY OH WHY. Post-PMS, my pimple on my lip is making me becoming a bitch. I feel like a monster. So hard to be happy nowadays. WHY OH WHY :(

On a sidenote, I caught THOR with the girls yesterday. AWESOME MOVIE with teresa and yuanlin going GA-GA over THOR's disgusting gundam body. But I have to say, his face is charming okay. RAWR. I don't want off day to end so soon.

I wanna go KOREA so that I can see him!

2011-04-28T22:26:00.002+08:00

i don't wanna be some emo bitch tonight.

How disgusting can this shit gets? Period, life's certainly feel alot more better when I wasn't working. I FEEL HAPPIER. Why like that? I wanna love my job but it is being sucha bitch.

WE ARE LAUGHING AT OUR OWN FREAKING MISERY. THANK YOU DONN LEE FOR MAKING ME LAUGH WHEN I FEEL SHITTY. THANK YOU! :)

2011-04-28T14:47:00.003+08:00

HOW CAN YOU NOT GO CRAZY?

JAP Version:

KOREAN Version:

2011-04-28T00:28:00.002+08:00

You wish everyday will be like today.

I feel like some stupid fan girl. OMG I think I am a stupid fan girl. I am freaking happy when I saw news abt SHINEE's Japan debut and comeback news! I wish they can come Singapore soon!! I swear I will go queue up. Ahhhh mad already. I wanna see my KEYbum soon. I can put REPLAY on replay every single day. Rawr make me so excited for nothing I can't sleep. HAHA. What if one day I can be some random friend of his. RAWR I am really mad. I should probably start practicing my Korean.

:D I can't help smiling to myself nowadays sometimes. I wish everyday will be happy happy happy. Tomorrow gonna work again. Zzzz once that thought pops in, my mood drop to the bottom. Sian, for the money I will survive. What will I do without you, MONEY MONEY MONEY? 'Arthur' is a bloody good movie. The magnetic bed is freaking awesome and the actor is goooooooood!

Finally met up with my Juan and Zhongjie for my Bak Chor Mee! YUMYUM! And lotsa sinful food like carrot cake, satay, chicken wings and durian! SINFUL much. I enjoyed the company and I love my Juan! <3 you woman 1314. What would I do without you? :) I hope we will find something we like to do in the future. And today, I get to sleep till noon!! Feel like some Cinderella, chionging housework so that I can go meet the girls. Death bell 2 with Yuanlin, Tannya and Jas. Okay scream like mad cos they all died in a bloody gross state. THUMBS UP man. So much better than jap horror movies which is super draggy. This one is freaking intense. Sushi teh after that. Too much good food nowadays! :x I wish I can stop spending money like water!!!!!!!!!

PAYDAY and GOVT MOOLAH coming in. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!

2011-04-24T13:15:00.002+08:00

wait for the boy that would do anything to be your everything.

Stupid sunday morning, stupid alarm clock, stupidly woke up late, stupid reports. I hate waking people up from their sleep. In the end, I still figured everything out myself. Boss supposed to come in and check my work. Like I say, he supposed to. So heck, I just sent everything out.

Dad sent me to work today. This is the first time he offer to send me to work. So all I need to do is to endure his nagging and I will save alot on cab fare. THANK YOU DADDY!

OH SO BORING NOW AS I AM TYPING THIS POST.

2011-04-23T21:40:00.002+08:00

We are dumb and ignorant but at least we are happy.

I feel too smart nowadays, that's the problem. Don't feel like going back to work tomorrow after 2 consecutive offdays. *sad sad, uber sad face* RAWR like if money drop from the sky and slap me in the face, I will quit my job immediately. Haha like real. I must be mad.

Friday, friday was spent in USS! One whole day of fun, pure fun and spamming BSG like nobody business. I LOVE LOVE LOVE express. I feel like some princess. Absolutely zero waiting time. It's real awesome when your bestest friend on earth can come in to play with you! I feel super happy on 22April! At night, I got to see my favorite Juan and the clique. Drunk from freeflow vodka; didn't get to club; sleep like a dead log in the hotel. Alcohol makes you high and then sick the entire next day. People don't eat cause of the hangover, but I feel like some pig cos I have all sorts of nonsensical craving for all kinds of food :(

How can anyone eat like a pig and still be so skinny? I don't get it. I never will. 7am shift tmr, I can't wait. *roll my eyes*

2011-04-21T23:28:00.002+08:00

convince me.

Wahh it's almost mid April already. My Korea trip is still not in progress yet :( and the uni processing is bloody slow. We're putting every traveling plans on hold because we don't know when the hell we have to go for our interview. *multiple sad faces* every single day. One second we are all happy and then we will be cranky the rest of the day. Why like that?

Where the hell has my optimism disappear to? Come back please you!

This week is (y) cos I only work four days, uber shiok. I still got so much work to clear but whatever. I shall be a bum. And then I need to be more determined. My god, office people all hardcore dieting. Why do I have to feel guilty after I eat?

Rawr that's like my only obstruction now. I need to feel good about myself in order to be confident!

Hello future and my future love, I wish you will swing by soon to make my life a little less lonely and miserable. haha I feel taylor swift -- cause everyday is a fairytale for her. HEHE goodnight all.

2011-04-15T21:49:00.003+08:00

Tell me why you cry yourself to sleep tonight.

You feel sad for every single thing or you feel sad for no reason. I hate myself for becoming weaker and weaker each day. I can literally feel it in me. Suay really every day suay. I wonder why the hell I'm always the one getting everything. I wonder when will you appear and come save me one day. I wonder why can't I just invincible. I wonder why do I get so easily affected. I wonder since when did I become sucha weakling. Omg, I don't want to associate myself with the word emo.

Been spending alot of money nowadays. I feel happier after buying things for myself. Bought too much clothes and shoes. Argh I just can't control man. Rawr. I need to find time to organize my stuff. And organize myself.

Let's start by stop taking every single thing or words so seriously, shall we? Less expectation, less disappointment.

I wonder, when will Korea come true?

2011-04-13T20:27:00.002+08:00

After a while, you learn that you don't need anyone else to survive. No one is ever going to always be there no matter what they promise you. You just gotta suck it up and accept it.

2011-04-11T21:00:00.002+08:00

how long more can you survive?

Every other day, there will be something that will happen to ruin the entire day. Freak, I hate it when my relatives give us problems. Stupid problems. Thank god we aren't some rich family or things will turn even more ugly. Everybody just refuse to give in. All of you, just go bang the wall please. I don't even know how or what to do.

My dad's gonna kill me even though it's not my bloody fault. They think I'm a know-it-all and HE thinks he's a know-it-all as well. Dump some documents to me and expect me to know what to do with them almost immediately. Thanks dad and your words never failed to pierce through me.

Don't ever say something and not do it. You know my heart can't take anymore shit.

2011-04-07T00:43:00.002+08:00

I wish I know what you you you you you were thinking.

All these days passed me by in a blur. Nowadays I can hardly remember what I have been doing, what I want to do and what I need to do. Argh. Easily frustrated recently and I don't understand why am I so affected by every little things around me. Too self-conscious and I don't know why. I cared too much about what people think of me.

Lesson number 1: do not trust so easily
Lesson number 2: learn to care less
Lesson number 3: think before you speak

I used to think that everything can be resolved once you questioned and talked it out. But does the other party actually speak their mind? I wish I can read minds.

It's been awhile since we hang out together. I miss the donn-nick-theresa clique. Went to Clarke quay for ramen, ice-cream and 'radiation' window shopping. Mahjong at donn's, missing one player cos dearest nick have to go for fowa prep. Being awake for more than 24 hours; resulting in eyebag bigger than eye :( but still, I had fun even though I lost 6bucks! Aha went for movie at night. Sanctum is a freaking tramatising movie. I hate watching these shows whereby people started dying one after another. It is horrifying for me, the images are still so vivid in my bloody brain. Argh, nevertheless, it's a good movie.

I miss everyone that I used to spend all my time with. Sometimes I wish friendship aren't maintain in such a way that we have to have fun every day to be close. A text, a phonecall, a note to remind each other that we will never want to disappear from each others life.

I shall stop thinking.

2011-04-03T23:36:00.002+08:00

Once in a while, you wish you were someone else.

Today, I feel so inferior. Many little things, I could have did it differently. I wish I was someone better. Not just normal, plain and boring. Argh what is it that gotten into my mind that made me feel this way. Sigh, tell me why oh why?

I lost hope in the family. Totally hopeless and beyond help. Nobody really cares. I feel so disgusted by all their actions. There is nothing I can say, and beyond my control.

Sad enough, I know no one can save me from this misery.

2011-04-01T01:52:00.005+08:00

니가 너무 보고시보. 밤새 한솜도 잘수 옵서.

Sigh, I should be jolly well sleeping at this time of the day. I am ruining every part of me man, from my face to my internal organ to my skin to my brain. Stupidly listen to UKiss's 0330 and the song is stuck in my head and it's making me bloody sad for no reason. Too many things are going through my mind.

Finally meet up with my limjuanjuan. JB getaway! Eat and rant; cheering one another up! :) meet up for dinner with Vian and catch up more. I learn to count my blessings. Thanks for giving me such awesome, lovely people in my life. Eversince I graduated and started working, I missed out alot and people left. Distance between used-to-be-close-friends widen and increase :( so happy that we still have each other to trust and rant to. I love you lim hui juan and vivian ang tze kee.

All of you, please do not disappear from my life cause every single one of you matters.

2011-03-28T22:15:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I wish people were afraid to lose me.

2011-03-27T18:17:00.003+08:00

김수한무,거북이와 두루미. 삼천갑자 동방삭. 치치카포, 사리사리센타. 워리워리,새프리카..
Gloomy gloomy raining day. Perfect day to stay home and laze around. I should really take a break from work. Life is getting too boring for a 20 year old. I NEED TO GO ON A HOLIDAY! Everybody around me is flying off to somewhere to play. One after another.

Somebody, just bring me with you!

2011-03-26T13:09:00.003+08:00

why do we have to eat and feel guilty?

ALL THE TIME. Some people just stuff themselves with everything and they still have awesome body. But some just probably pop a piece of chocolate in, they looked like they swallow a cow. AHA exaggerating.

In a very 'i-don't-care' kinda mood nowadays. Ate my chicken rice, ate my garrett's popcorn. GUILTY much. Stupid job, stupid pay. Procrastinating on running. GUILTY MUCH MUCH. Why oh why? *bury face in hand*

2011-03-26T09:54:00.001+08:00

what do you think it would feel like to be someone else?

2011-03-22T01:44:00.004+08:00

let me be happy today, tomorrow and the day after.

2011-03-20T18:47:00.002+08:00

Why oh why, the sudden awkwardness?

Today's mood is as gloomy as the sky right now. Didn't catch a good sleep, overnight of random mahjong-ing and binging on chips and BBQ food. I am disappointed in my own actions, I wasn't in a good mood so I wasn't thinking. Ah why the hell do I have to feel guilty for the food I ate? Argh. This is pathetic.

I am so tired and I really feel like sleeping but i can't. I washed the clothes and did housework. All I've got was a scolding from my dad. For little silly things that my sister did, for not doing up to his standard, for doing things too slowly. I'm not a freaking washing machine for god sake. One thing about my dad is every single comment he made is sarcastic, demoralizing and it pierce right into u. He can make you feel so stupid and so sick of yourself. As if I can just walk out of the house. It just made my day worst.

Somebody just kill me please. If u don't want to kill me, save me.

I seriously hate it when people use the word emo on me. I am not. I just don't know how to make myself feel better that's all. I really wish I can fill this space with happy cheerpy post seriously. But bad things always come together, hand in hand, and never seem to end. Argh I hate myself sometimes. I want to be ridiculously happy every single day. Ha I must be outta my mind.

Back to work tomorrow. How nice.